also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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