That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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