My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
