it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
