yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
