Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
