I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize