Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize