Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
