I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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