You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
