My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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