Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize