Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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