3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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