I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
