OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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