My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
