I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
