Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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