Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I can text with my tongue
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
