nut hugger
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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