i just wanna soil my oats bro
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
