i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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