I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
