I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
