In the future we'll all be gay
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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