I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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