Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
