Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
