so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
