What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
