I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
