If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
