I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
