Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
