bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize