I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you still have your period?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
