I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
