Im at strip club and am horny
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i need some magic done to my vagina
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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