Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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