i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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