Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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