My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
