My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
