omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
