I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
