Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
