well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
