Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
