I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize