he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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