It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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