im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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