She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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